Episode 7 – Stupid is as Dangerous Does

Zapatera: Rise & shine & suck up to the people who might vote you out. Sarita starts with David trying to convince him that she is not weak & oh by the way David you’re not only brilliant but extremely good looking and strong & “ha ha ha oh stop, my ribs are going to explode” you’re sooo funny.  Gawd, could she be more obvious?

Redemption Island shows Stephanie & Matt bonding over foods they are craving. Stephanie has listed every food she can think of with an emphasis on anything with peanut butter. Matt just wishes she had food so that she would stop talking.

Duel– Thanks for the Memories

Matt “the meek” vs Stephanie “Peanut” Valencia is watched by Phillip & Rob from Ometepe.” Phillip tells us why he must go, that he has it all  planned out, that he has studied “The book of 5 signs” The first sign is:  “always let your enemy move first” I think it was written by Charlie Sheen. The 5th sign is “Duhh, not winning” Rob wanted to go with Phillip  to keep an eye on him because he thinks :  “stupid is dangerous.” Ralph & Dave watch from Zapatera (speaking of stupid & dangerous)

Challengers put their memory to the test by flipping over symbols & trying to pair them up.  Stephanie wins the coin toss so she decides to let Matt go first. Good strategy, but Matt pulls a horseshoe out of his butt & scores the first pair.

Matt continues his winning streak & sends Stephanie home. Is it me, or is Redemption Island turning into Redemption “Cryland” ?  Jeff has made more people cry than Barbara Walters!  Phillip comments on Matt’s skill in the competitions he has watched. You have proven yourself to be a Samurai Warrior. Aren’t those the guys that killed themselves after battle ? Phillip is trying to butter up Matt for the merge. So that he can align with him & get himself further in the game. Rob sees right through him & is ready to vote out Phillip before he can jump ship. Careful Phillip, out of the boat & into the deep waters of….. Hey ! Give me those back you little!

Phillip & Rob get back to camp & Phillip asks Rob how much info they should give the tribe. Rob uses this to his advantage & tells the tribe after Phillip leaves that he wanted to withhold info from the tribe, painting a bigger target on Phillips back. Rob tells the camera that he can’t wait till it’s time to send Phillip home, that he will tell him straight up if he asks him who’s going home? I’ll say “you are Phillip!” “I’ll front side him” Hmmmm,shouldn’t the opposite of “blind side”  be “sight side”  I don’t think we’ve seen a “back side” yet ? Wait a minute… I may have spoken too soon. I think we’ve seen waaaaay more than that ! ?

At Zapatera Ralph is letting the tribe know that David Is ready to flip once they merge. He says: “Lawyers, they think they’re above everyone else” I wonder how he would spell Lawyers? Probably “liars” same thing I guess (except you Leah.. love you) Davids arrogance is getting on everyone’s nerves.  Julie can’t stand him Sarita wants to punch him in the face (harsh) David even tried to tell Ralph how to fish. That’s like telling an Eskimo how to build an igloo.

Over at Ometepe Phillip finds himself  low man on the totem pole when an argument breaks out over the crispy rice ?  I guess it’s Robs favorite so the girls save it for him. Phillip does not like his role as the red headed step child & “He’s not going to take it anymore”

Challenge –Basket Case

Tribes travel through an obstacle course collecting bags that have balls inside them. Once all bags are collected they must untie, retrieve the balls inside & shoot them all in to a long netted basket. Zapatera makes it to the finish line quicker but Ometepe or I should say Grant (again) scores the baskets & Ometepe wins immunity & reward. Looks like Phillip is safe for another week.

Ometepe enjoys a helicopter ride to an active volcano where they share a picnic. Rob sees the clue to the idol & takes it with no one noticing. He destroys it by tossing it into the volcano.

Zapetara discusses yet again whether it is better to stay strong & vote for Sarita to go to Redemption Is or vote for David to go because he can’t be trusted. Jeff asks David about the challenge & if they had not thrown the one challenge to get Russell out would they be winning now. Ralph pipes in with excuses about why they lost & how it wouldn’t have mattered if Russell was there. Jeff asks David: Finish this sentence: Excuses are for” David quickly answers “Losers” Ralph announces : “Well, I guess I’m a loser then” Don’t be so hard on yourself Ralph… you’re not a loser, but if brains were gas you wouldn’t have enough to drive a fleas motorcycle halfway down the ridge of a nickel !

Jeff asks Ralph if he thinks the tribe is cohesive? Ralph : “I dunno what that there means cohesive” The roof on my shed leaks like a sieve, but I don’t know nothing bout no co-he-sive? Is that if I own a sieve & another guy owns it too, we gots a Co-He-Sieve?

Jeff tries to explain. “If you had 2 sets of workers & one group was really strong but they fought all the time & the other group weren’t as strong but they worked well together (they were cohesive) which one would you rather have?  Ralph : “I disagree!”  Jeff: “I asked you a question, how can you disagree?”  Ralph: “I, I would want the strong workers cause those workers that get along they just yak all day.”  Jeff gives up on his lesson & tells the tribe to vote. The tribes decides to stay strong & Sarita (or as Ralph spells it “Sirita”) is sent to Redemption Island. She comments “wow, I wish I brought my stuff” Really ? And I thought Ralph was stupid.

Here is your week  7 boot list.

The Specialist The Mentalist & The Assassin

Krista meets Matt at Redemption Island. She’s cold, he’s warm. Andrea who ?

Krista lets Matt know she will not be a pushover & will give him a run for his money in the duel. Matt calls her a little firecracker & says: you’re not sneaking under the radar blondie ! Krista comes back with her quick wit: “Neither are you…… blondie !”  Krista, do you believe God put us here ? What do you mean Matt, here on this Earth ? Of course I do!  No silly, I mean on Survivor !  You’re so funny! No you’re funny! Well you’re cute !Well you’re cuter ! No you are ! No you are ! Tie !  Ha ha ha ha Pillow fight ! (Shoot me please )

The Duel : A  Mazing Grace

 Challengers must grapple hook bags containing a ball that will be used on a board maze. The duel is watched by Andrea & Natalie of Ometepe & Julie & Mike of Zapatera. Andrea cheers on her bf Matt “the Meek” as he battles Krista “The Firecracker”  Krista gets close to the end of her maze & loses her ball, she starts over but Matt plows past her & wins the challenge.

The firecracker is finished.

 Krista leaves behind her luxury item (her bible) for Matt. They say their goodbyes, embrace & acknowledge that it was Gods will that determined who won. Andrea notices that Matt has made quite a bond with Krista in the short time he has spent with her & questions his motives in the game. Looks like the green eyed monster is rearing its ugly head.

The Ometepe girls decide to have a spa day. Natalie & Ashley are trimming each others arm pit & leg hair with what look like hedge trimmers? Phillip is not impressed that the girls are not pitching in around camp.

Zapatera is having similar issues at their camp. Julie thinks Sarita is a princess & Ralph thinks she’s being a big baby about her tooth pain. He’s probably not the best judge since I’m sure he pulled out his own teeth with a pair of pliers & a bottle of moonshine. “She gouged her gum by puttin a dirty stick in it” He thinks thats gross? REALLY ? You’re the guy 2 episodes ago that wanted to lick everyones dirty fingers! Careful Ralph, when you point one dirty finger at someone else, how many dirty fingers are pointing back at you ? Stephanie is trying to rebuild her relationships at camp, she starts by appologizing to Steve for voting for him at tribal. She then convinces David to have Sarita voted out.

Phillip sees storm clouds in the distance & tells the girls they better start collecting wood. He starts calling them lazy beauty queens constantly criticizing their lack of pitching in around camp. Natalie has had enough & tells Phillip “You’re not my dad Phillip” You don’t need to tell me what to do. Rob decides to step in & gets Phillip to back off the girls. because lazy girls = no votes for them to receive the million dollar prize.

Challenge – Sling it on

 For Immunity & reward tribes use a giant sling shot to send a ball into the air hoping their tribe member will catch it in their net. Points are awarded for a catch, 5 points wins. Sarita sits out for Zapatera, this dissapoints Stephanie as she was hoping to prove that Sarita was the weaker tribe member. Phillip has brought both Gorilla & Lion to the challenge & is confident in his tribe. Steve lets Phillip know he is ready for battle with a one arm salute. The game gets rough with Grant the ex NFL player catching  against Mike who is ex military. Grant loses his shirt but catches almost every ball & wins for Ometepe. 

 Ometepe enjoys their food reward as they gorge on lobster with all the fixins. Rob sees the clue for the idol & decides to leave it because it would be too obvious if he tried to take it from the table. Grant doesn’t show that much discression & grabs the clue & excuses himself from the table. Rob joins him & while they are looking at the clue the ex federal agents keen senses detect a flaw in the fabric of  what he calls “Stealth R US”   Phillip is “The Specialist” (because he’s special) Rob is the “The Mentalist” ( because Phillip is driving him mental) & Grant is “The Assasin” (because he is going to kill Phillip if he doesn’t shut up) Phillip sees them with the clue & he is furious with their betrayal. Do you know what happens when a gorilla and a lion are provoked ? Rob & Grant better run for cover.  The Gorillion is on the loose.

Zapatera heads to tribal council & David pleads to the tribe to keep Stephanie instead of Sarita in order to keep the tribe strong. They stick with the original plan & Stephanie is sent to Redemption Island.

 Poor Ralph again had difficulty with the concept of tribal council.It’s a long walk to where you vote & his leg was real sore. He plum forgot what he was supposed to do? He thought real hard & he tried to remember what Jeff had said. All he could call to mind was Jeff had asked him why he was walking with a limp. So he answered that. Shucks, this here’s easy ! I wonder how he spells his own name?

 

Here is your Episode 6 boot list:

Episode 5-Loose Lips (& underwear) Sink Ships

Kristina heads to Redemption Island. Back at Ometepe Phillip is trying find a warm place to rest his head. Since none of the girls will go anywhere near him he asks Rob if he can sleep next to him. Rob confirms that Phillip has his underwear on & agrees to let him have the outside. He regrets his decision when he wakes up & complains that Phillip had his knee in his back all night. At least he hopes it was just his knee.

Phillip looks like he had a glorious sleep as he awakes & does his morning stretches… yes, I spoke to soon last week…. In his underwear!  Pretty sure I saw this sign on a tree beside the camp.

Tree mail advises both camps of the duel. Ometepe sends Rob & Grant, Zapatera sends Stephanie & Krista. Matt “the meek” & his new challenger Kristina “The Killer” Kell face off with a puzzle cube. Matt makes short work of it & Kristina is eliminated. Stephanie wastes no time telling the other tribe that they are ready to join Robs alliance if they make it to the merge.

Back at Ometepe Phillip is trying to make connections with the other girls in camp since he knows that he is at the bottom of his alliance. He can’t figure out why every time he goes near them they run away. “They’re just like crabs, every time I get close, they scurry” Well Phillip, in Nicaragua one of the many natural predators of crabs are snakes. Maybe if you could keep your pants on your trouser snake wouldn’t scare them away. I’m pretty sure that goes for the girls at camp as well.

Phillip seems to think Andrea is a good target or maybe she just runs a little slower. He discusses how he & her are low on the food chain & should try & stick together. Then he rambles on about nobody wanting to cuddle with him. Um…. You’re sitting there scratching lumps the size of marbles on your back with a stick & you’re falling out of your underwear. I wonder why no one wants to be near you!? Rob & Grant return while Phillip plots Robs downfall calling Rob the “Dictator” & himself the “Lord” waiting to replace him. Hmmmm. Just add a potato Phillip & who’s the “Dick Tater” now ?  ha ha

Challenge Blind Mans Buff

Each tribe member is blindfolded & must collect bags of puzzle peices while being guided through a maze. Each tribe chooses a caller as their guide. Stephanie is the caller from Zapatera & Rob from Ometepe. The callers must complete the puzzle once the pieces are collected. Both tribes get the pieces back fairly quickly but Stephanie is no competition for Rob on the puzzle.  Ometepe wins immunity & reward. Reward consists of donuts & pastries with coffee.

While Ometepe enjoys their reward Phillip tries to barter his donut for a massage. Natalie & Ashley both agree there are not enough donuts in the world to make that a good trade. Grant & Rob see the clue to the hidden idol in the coffee & sneak off before anyone sees it. Rob grabs the clue out of the container & sends Grant back to camp with the coffee, giving him just enough time to exchange the new clue with the old one in order to keep Grant “clueless”

At Zapatera David & Sarita are arguing over the decision to let Stephanie do the puzzle in the challenge. Stephanie & Krista are aware that they are next on the chopping block but Stephanie feels vulnerable since she didn’t pull through on the puzzle. Tribal council seems to find a few threads coming loose in the alliance as Krista points out, which is probably why they sent her home. Loose lips sink ships.

Ralph was again confused with his vote. Hey Ralph. If you have seven people in your tribe & you vote one out. How many do you have left?

Here’s this weeks boot list:

Episode 4 – Cock-A-Doodle-Don’t

Russell “the legend” meets Matt “the meek” on Redemption Island. Hello… ? Anybody there, Francesca ?  It’s very dark, can you hear me Fran ? It’s me Russell.  It’s cold, maybe we can spoon to keep warm. Oh, that’s ok if your legs are a little stubbly, my armpit boils have burst so if you can deal with that I can handle a little leg hair.  Fran, what a deep voice you have. What big arms you have Fran? Your legs are so strong, do you work out ?  Wait a minute ! AAAARRRRGGGHHH ! Ummmm, How bout those Rangers? You think they’ll make the world series this year?

Meanwhile back at Ometepe Phillip the house bitch/federal agent sweeps up at camp proving a clean home equals a crazy mind, especially when you don’t have a home & you are sweeping dirt off your dirt floor ? The tribe is on day 3 of their hunger strike in an attempt to over feed Phillip so his underwear won’t get any looser. At least he keeps his shorts on while doing his morning stretches. There’s a federal agent who has a lot of difficulty keeping things “undercover”

Zapatera rejoices in a hillbilly rendition of ding dong the witch is dead, lead by Ralph the Rooster, who is “happier than a fly on poop” When Russell’s hens have left the chicken coop he decides to tell his alliance that he found the immunity idol. “Yup, I found that  idol faster than green grass through a goose” Cockadoodledoo ! “That Russell was slipperier than an eel in a bucket of snot” Sure showed him who’s the sharpest spoon in the drawer”

Tree mail arrives at both camps & the gladiator challenge between Russell & Matt will be watched by Ralph & Sarita from Zapatara & Kristina & Phillip from Ometepe. Phillip has his reasons for wanting to go. He will be gathering Intel for his commanding officer Rob. Hoping to gain a better position in his alliance. Matt “the meek” is fighting for his God, while Russell “the legend” is fighting for good old revenge. The battle is close but Matt defeats his opponent & Russell is sent home. But not before he breaks down in a full body shaking sob fest. Don’t cry Russell, you’ll make me cry.  We’ll always have last night.

He gains his composure & stares into the hairy beast who brought about his demise. He exposes Ralph to Ometepe. How he plotted Russell’s exit by throwing the challenge & listed the people Ralph has aligned with. Phillip is taking this all in using his finely tuned investigative skills. Ralph tries to silence Russell by telling him he beat him to the immunity idol. ” I found it in 15 seconds”  “Easier than slidin off a greased log backwards ” Realizing he is exposing crucial information to the enemy camp he backtracks & says “maybe I got it” maybe I don’t” Genius Ralph! Nobody will be able to figure you out.

OH NO !  Phillip is on to him. “I’m an ex federal agent I read people for a living. You’re a liar!”  You have the idol ! He thanks Russell for the info & they all head back to their tribes. Ralph with his tail between his dog gone legs.

While the tribe mates are away watching the battle Rob has decided to search for the idol at camp. He has to distract his tribe members & convinces them to have a “beach day” isn’t every day a beach day on an island? He takes them far enough away from camp & says he feels the call of nature & excuses himself. His ruse works as he finds the hidden immunity idol. Phillip & Kristina return to camp & tell them Matt won & Russell was sent home. Phillip takes Rob aside & asks “if I tell you” (& then he proceeds to tell him everything that happened with Russell & Ralph) and asks Rob… “If I was to tell you that information, would you keep Kristina around longer ?” Ummmmm YOU ALREADY TOLD HIM ! Some secret agent you are.

Ralph & Sarita share the news of Russell’s departure & they all join in for a little Russell bashing…. all except Russells women. Looks like they haven’t abandoned ship yet.

Immunity Challenge (This immunity challenge is brought to you by Sears)

When Ralph sees the BBQ reward he seems to develop superhuman powers & I think could have done the entire challenge by himself. Zapatera wins immunity & reward.

Zapatera enjoys their BBQ. Some a little too much as Ralph offers to lick everyone’s fingers clean. Yum. Living in a camp with no running water, no soap & no TP & he wants to lick fingers. That’s a new low for the furry rooster.

At Ometepe Phillip gives another morale boosting speech after their loss. Kristina thinks that Phillip has gotten on everyone’s last nerve & surely they will vote for him. Robs leadership stays strong & they vote out Kristina.

Here’s this weeks boot list:

Episode 3 – Storm’s A Comin’

After tribal on episode 2 Rob awards Phillip the academy award for best performance in his role as the secret, secret agent. Wow, if I didn’t know any better I would have thought Phillips lips were crazy glued together. When he said Rob “owned” his vote it apparently also included his right to speak. Bring back the crazy crab spearing, can’t shut up loose pink underwear wearing ex federal agent. It’s entertaining.

Back at redemption Island as Rip Fran Winkle is in a deep slumber Frantasizing that her servant boy is feeding her grapes in a big warm soft bed. Along comes hotty surfer boy Matt. “Fran, Fran?” All Fran hears is “I’m your man, I’m your man” (cue 70’s porn music, chicka chicka wow wow) She wakes up & realizes it’s Matt ! Oh… Matt! I thought you would be Phillip ? (Ewwww!) Oh well… come on over here & be my Matt-ress, you can call me Frandrea if you like.

The tribes draw rocks to see who gets to watch the battle between Gladiator “Fran of Attack” & Matt “the meek”. Andrea  & Ashley from Ometepe. Steve & David from Zapatera. They arrive in the arena & Andrea gazes down at Matt from her tower like Juliet to Romeo. Side note, does anyone else think Andrea looks like she’s wearing make-up? I thought the days when you were allowed to bring a “luxury item” were over. Are her & Ashley using charcoal from the fire for eye liner & berries for eye shadow & blush? Just wondering. I swear I can hear Andrea silently cheering on her showmance bf/gladiator. Build that stick Matt, build it big & strong long enough to XXCENSOREDXX. Wow, that was inappropriate.

Matt won & Frantastic effort is sent home to her Framily. Andrea & Ashley come back & make the announcement that Matt won but Steve & David are not so honest with their information. Instead they tell the tribe that Genghis Fran was victorious. Their reasoning for this is so Russell gets a big shock when he arrives on Redemption Island & sees Matt, since Russell is the next one to go according to Steve & his 6 person alliance.

Then we all get a nice shot of what it looks like when you get waxed for the first time & decide to spend the next few weeks in the jungle. GROSS!  Russell put your arms down! It look like something nested in his armpit & laid eggs ! I’ve seen less bumps on a pickle !

The immunity challenge pits ( ha ha I can’t believe I slid that one in there) the tribes against each other in a twisted version of the upside down keg stand. Ometepe decides with the old thumbs up thumbs down that they will throw the challenge in order to get Russell out. Zapatera wins & is thrilled with their victory, not knowing of course that the other tribe threw it. David was such a good sell I guess with him just standing over the puzzle like a kid with a plate full of spinach pushing it around to make it looked like he ate some. Just because the hands aren’t moving doesn’t mean the minds not working! Good one David, Ralph couldn’t have said it any better. Except his version would have been “ Jus because the penguin don’t flap his wings don’t mean he can’t fly”  Don’t be telling me penguins don’t fly, I seen it with me own eyes, just like I saw that spaceship take my wife” “Cockadoodledoo!”

Russell feverishly searches for the hidden immunity idol still unaware the human sweater has it “Cockadoodledoo!”  He plots with his alliance & they think they have swayed Julie to vote with them, but she sticks with her alliance & Russell “the legacy” is voted out.

Obviously Ralph thought he was asked to write down what he likes to do in his spare time not who should go home.

It goes to show you as Ralph so eloquently said in tribal “You cab ed cho wan eef ya don git cha wela!” I have know idea what he said, I played it back & listened again, maybe if I played it backwards? Good thing Jeff can translate hillbilly.

Look out Zapatera, storm’s a comin!  Below is the updated boot list.

Episode 2 – The Chronicles of Nicarnarnia

THE LION THE GORILLA AND THE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

And Matt is cast out of Nicarnarnia. “Oh my goodness” is all he can say. Yes Matt, that’s what screwed you…. your goodness.What were you thinking shaking hands with the enemy? We had everything in this episode. The sparkle of a new romance mixed with emotional drama, scintillating action & knee slapping comedy.

Romance: We had the beginning of a showmance with Matt & Andrea. Rob snuffed that out in a hurry, Matt’s only chance to re-unite with his love is redemption. No, not through his lord, he’ll have to go through Frantom of the opera.

Drama: Ralph the human chia pet / cockadoodle dude  found the hotdawgy dagnabbett immunity idol & challenged Russell to a good old fashioned hillbilly survivor smackdown. May the smartest man win. Clearly they are both unarmed for this battle.

Action: The challenge was close but Zapatera won immunity. Phillip should have worn his superman underwear for the challenge it worked on the crabs AH WOO AH !  I didn’t realize the hairless mole rat was indigenous to Nicaragua….?  Wait, that’s not a hairless mole rat !! Phillip, for Gods sake put your pants on !!

Comedy: A new cliché introduced by Phillip. “Survivor of the fittest” followed by his pre tribal council speech to the tribe after their loss: “I think you all did gallantry in the challenge” He throws himself on his sword & says “I will face my nemesis Francesquaw (that’s her native warrior name) whatever you decide to do I understand” Just don’t talk while I’m talking… anybody else have anything to say? No? Cause now’s the time, I’m finished talking.. for now. Did I mention I am a former federal agent? Have you seen my Gorilla & Lion  tattoos?  I am just like the Gorilla & the Lion. I am a Gorillion. Not to be confused with the Monkey Lion or the Tiger Ape or the more common Lion Cheetah.

Yes, Phillip is every bit a Lion and a Gorilla.

Like the Lion, he lets the women do all the work & like the Gorilla he just sits around beating his chest.

AH WOO AH !

Here’s the boot list at week 2:

Episode 1 – You thought saying goodbye was hard

Try saying Francesca!?


Goodbye: Fransuco, Frangelico, Frankensense, Frankandbeans, Franklyidontgiveadamn FRANCESCA

Sorry… I’ve been taking medication for my paranoid schizophrenia & delusions of grandeur & it’s giving me dry mouth. I am also a professional at reading peoples faces kind of like Kenny Rogers in the gambler but more like that guy on that show Lie to Me because he works for the FBI & I worked with the Government as well, you may of heard me mention once or twice that I was a former federal agent. Yes, it’s a gift I can read peoples faces, or is it feces ?

No wonder this guy had a dry mouth… HE WOULD NOT SHUT UP !

Those of you who did not see the tribal council can probably catch it on youtube cause it was a doozy !!

Can’t wait till next week. Not sure if it’s because of the tension & craziness of Phillip, or his raw sexual energy he exudes. With his man boobs & tighty whities, that he clearly turned pink when he washed them with a red towel while having to do his OWN laundry since his wife left him BECAUSE HE’S CRAZY.

Here’s the boot list for week 1: